Merlin: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by Maestus
Summary: Congratulations upon your purchase of MERLIN unit! Comply with the guidelines and you should be rewarded with years of high quality performance unless MERLIN unit is stuck in angst mode!


**I've been reading a lot of these lately and decided to try one for myself so here we go! I don't know if anyone's made one for Merlin before but if so, oh well (:**

**I might make one for Arthur; I don't know yet (:**

**DISCLAIMER: Merlin belongs to the BBC. Unfortunately.**

**The original Owner's Guide belongs to Theresa Green. It first appeared in the LOTR fandom, but many others have used the original template in other fandoms for other characters.**

* * *

_**Merlin: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**_

_**CONGRATULATIONS!**_

You are now the proud owner of a _**MERLIN/EMRYS **_unit!

Follow the guidelines in this manual and your **MERLIN **will give you decades of quality magically sarcastic performance.

**INSTALLATION**

Upon receiving your MERLIN unit, for optimal performance do not immediately set to work. Failure to comply may result in an outburst of sarcasm, snark or extended periods of angst from your MERLIN unit; UNITS incorporated is not responsible for any damaged egos that may result.

Your MERLIN should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the MERLIN unit.

MERLIN 1.0 (copyright Geoffrey of Monmouth 1136)

b) MERLIN 2.0 (copyright Julian Jones, Jake Michie, Johnny Capps, Julian Murphy and Colin Morgan)

**Note:** This Owner's Manual refers to MERLIN 2.0, the more lifelike model who closely resembles Colin Morgan

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: Merlin Ambrosius

Species: Human/ Warlock

Place of Residence: Camelot

Manufacturers: Hunith and Balinor

Nurtured By: Gauis

Height: 6'

Weight: Insufficiant data

Hair Colour: Black

Eyes: Blue

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Your MERLIN unit has been designed to be as user-friendly as possible. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in English or the old tongue, avoiding text speak and modern words where possible.

Remember that your MERLIN unit is not just aesthetically pleasing; he has multiple functions.

Intelligence Quotient:

Your MERLIN unit is one intelligent little warlock, knowledgeable in magic, Camelot and annoying ARTHUR unit. He can also be manipulative and cunning; please do not be distracted by your MERLIN unit's cuteness and charm

Combat:

Your MERLIN unit is not very skilled when it comes to using weapons; however, he is well versed in the use of magic and can use this to his advantage in a fight. It is not recommended to use your MERLIN unit in combat unless also accompanied by an ARTHUR unit, PERCIVAL unit, GWAINE unit or similar.

Creative Thinking:

MERLIN unit often goes about in the guise of an old man by the name of DRAGOON in order to obtain information; he has also used poison, deceit and lies to get what he needs. Your MERLIN unit is highly skilled in the art of sneaking around; a close eye should be kept on him at all times.

Magical Abilities

On top of all this, your MERLIN unit comes with the added bonus of magical abilities, enabling him capable of many feats. Extreme caution should be exercised when utilising this function as your MERLIN unit might view you as a captor/ enemy and use said magical ability against you.

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**

You will find that your MERLIN unit is compatible with the majority of units, due to being in possession of a FRIENDLY DISPOSITION software package. However, close proximity with ARTHUR unit may result in extreme sarcasm, disobedience and possible angst. It is unwise to keep your MERLIN unit near a MORGANA, UTHER, MORDRED or NAMELESS GOON unit. UNITS incorporated is not responsible for any emotional scarring that may come as a result of failure to comply with these instructions.

If one chooses to attempt to use a MERLIN unit in proximity to a MORGANA, UTHER, MORDRED or NAMELESS GOON unit, you may wish to familiarize yourself with MERLIN unit's interaction settings:

(a) Friendly Disposition (GENERAL SETTING)

(b) Angst

(c) Hostile

(d) Sarcasm

(e) Manipulative

(f) Badass Warlock

WARNING: Your MERLINunit will get along especially poorly if on settings B,C or F. If you wish your MERLIN unit to be all around friendly, please keep him on setting A and avoid activating any other settings. Please note, MERLIN unit's angst is not like normal angst and feelings may be hurt during this setting. It is not recommended to use setting F or B whilst in possession of an injured/angsty ARTHUR unit. *UNITS incorporated would also like to point out that they are not responsible for any damage caused to possessions/body parts during Badass Warlock mode*

**ACCESSORIES**

The items with which your MERLIN unit comes equipped, depends on which edition of the Warlock you have purchased.

MERLIN 1.0 : Old man, comes complete with robe and staff.

MERLIN 2.0 : Comes fully equipped servant's outfit, necktie, book of magic and Great Slash Dragon*

*EXTREME CAUTION should be exercised in the presence of the Great Slash Dragon due to reasons associated with it being a DRAGON and a SLASH DRAGON at that

**CLEANING**

Depending on the uses to which you put your MERLIN unit, you may have to clean him on a regular basis. He will accept most baths as long as the water is clean and warm and there is a distinct lack of poison in it.

**LUBRICATION**

To ensure that your MERLIN unit remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.

Note: ARTHUR unit may take offence at you lubricating MERLIN unit if both units are set into SLASH mode. If in HET mode than by any means, go right ahead!

**RECHARGING**

Your MERLIN unit requires similar sustenance as humans. See as follows:

Food:

Your MERLIN unit prefers simple dishes from the 5th and 6th centuries, though he will not say no to richer meals. For more information, please consult your nearest museum.

Drink:

MERLIN unit will drink anything put in front of him, unless said liquid is poisonous, foul or otherwise harmful, It is not recommended to allow MERLIN unit access to a tavern or pub whilst in the presence of GWAINE unit.

Sleep:

Your MERLIN unit needs a minimum of 4 hours sleep* in order to function though 8 hours is the recommended period of rest. MERLIN unit is very efficient and guaranteed to be up on time unless ill.

*Your MERLIN unit will not be a happy warlock upon being woken after miniscule amounts of sleep. UNITS Incorporated is not responsible for any personal injury or ego bruising inflicted by the MERLIN unit after unusually early awakenings or for any possessions damaged during possible magic usage.

**REPROGRAMMING**

The MERLIN 2.0 can be issued with a revised knowledge program from Camelot via the Druids Network. Be sure to update his knowledge regularly, as the times are always changing and who knows what enemy may appear to kill ARTHUR unit next?

It is unknown how to reprogram MERLIN 1.0

**SECURITY**

Thanks to the popularity of the MERLIN unit (especially version 2.0), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your Warlock

* Have your MERLIN micro-chipped. Choose a doctor or physician experienced with sarcastic warlocks who may not take well to being jabbed with needles. It is recommended to keep clear during the process due to possible self defence with magic from your MERLIN unit.

* Do not leave your MERLIN unit unattended in public. Fangirls will appear and traumatise the poor thing for life.

* Do not lend your MERLIN to anyone; anyone he does not recognise may face his magical wrath and the general wrath of ARTHUR unit.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**Q:** _My MERLIN is staring angstily out of a window and constantly looks like he's in need of a hug; is he malfunctioning?_

**A:** Check your MERLIN unit's angst settings; they may be set too high. If this is not the case, check that there hasn't been a recent death of a FREYA or LANCELOT unit or any recent betrayals be nearby MORGANA units. If the problem persists, DO NOT HESITATE TO GIVE YOUR MERLIN UNIT A HUG AS NEARBY ARTHUR UNITS **WILL NOT **DO THIS!

**Q:**_My MERLIN is being especially snarky and refusing to do any tasks I set him; is there something wrong?_

**A:** Do you by any chance have blonde hair, an insufferable ego and a insane father bordering on tyrannical? If so, it is possible your MERLIN unit has mistaken you for an ARTHUR unit. Ask him if he's alright; that should solve the problem.

**Q**: _My MERLIN is setting dragons loose on the neighbourhood and it's causing problems; is there anything I can do to change this?_

**A**: We're afraid not as MERLIN unit has an unfortunate habit of making promises to free dangerous creatures. Your best option is to hide in your nearest nuclear fallout shelter and hope for the best.

**TROUBLE SHOOTING**

**Problem:** My MERLIN unit keeps planting traps around my house and making attempts to kill the neighbour's ARTHUR unit.

**Solution:**Your MERLIN unit has reverted to Evil Warlock mode. Take him to your nearest GAUIS unit and check for any MORGANA unit planted spells/creatures.

**Problem:** My MERLIN unit won't stop moping

**Solution:** Give him something to distract himself with and get him to clean your armour

**Problem:** My MERLIN unit keeps telling me that emotions are 'illogical' and asking where Captain Kirk is.

**Solution:** Whoops! You have accidentally been issued with a COMMANDER SPOCK unit; the pointed ears and anger issues should have given it away. Please bring it to your nearest UNITS incorporated outlet for an exchange unless you are happy with SPOCK unit's Vulcan ways.

**Problem:** My MERLIN unit's eyes keep glowing gold.

**Solution:** This is normal; your MERLIN unit is using magic. Please proceed with caution

**Problem:** My MERLIN unit keeps being replaced by an old man

**Solution:** This is DRAGOON. Obviously your MERLIN unit is on the prowl for something. Lock up anything you don't want him to see and keep quiet about anything secret

**Problem:** My MERLIN unit wants to eradicate magic entirely from the world and persecute its users

**Solution:** Your MERLIN unit has been wrongly supplied with an UTHER hard drive. Please bring this unit to the closest UNITS Incorporated Specialist in order to change hard drives

**ADDITIONAL INFO**

For questions or concerns please contact your nearest review box immediately.


End file.
